My Recovery

The fact that my boyfriend has a sexual compulsion problem has been a daily struggle for me. I have not been in such a dark place in a great many years. You will see from my pleadings and rants to him, that are full of raw emotion, that my recovery from the shock and trauma of this is still ongoing…

January 8th 2013-

I’ve decided not to stay. I am worth more and deserve to be so much treated better. I don’t want to live feeling marginalized nor ignored. I don’t want to be in a relationship without emotional intimacy. It was a decision I struggled with for some time as I always want to see the good in people but the promises were empty and just never realized. He just couldn’t nor was he able to be in an adult relationship.

And quite honestly I think it was a relief on his part. I don’t believe he was really bothered with his choices and it is easier not to have answer questions or be emotionally intimate. He is happy with the lonely lifestyle he has chosen. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Rollercoaster ride has ended.

 

January  4th 2013

“I understand that this is probably in vain and won’t make a difference to you, but I’m hoping it will get through to you somehow somewhere.

I trusted you implicitly. I gave you everything I had to give. I welcomed you into our lives and family. I’ve forgiven you for what you did but you time and time again have made me feel so insignificant and worthless. I am a good person and damn it, I am important. And I’m sorry that you can not appreciate what you have. I understand people make mistakes and was willing to stand by you and support you through this issue, but you have continued to treat me like I don’t matter and that you don’t have a problem.

Not only have you done such incredible damage to me emotionally but I want you to understand that I will be living with all this for many years to come. I do not make the income that you do- never will. I had the opportunity to refinance my house back in April to save a lot per month but did not as we were moving in together and it would add to the principal balance. When I found that stuff back in August and your issues began to unravel- I was in a very bad and dark place. I couldn’t believe what was happening and I blamed myself because I had finally let my guard down with someone and it seriously backfired on me. There were many days that I could barely function and was not able to go to work because I couldn’t keep myself together. I didn’t get paid for those days and I fell behind in my financial obligations. I fell behind where I have caused serious damage to my credit. In a matter of 3 months I went from a lifetime of being responsible where I had really good credit to a very dark time that will affect me for a very long time.

I let you back into my life a few weeks ago and you promised me many times to be honest and would cut ties with all your exes, join a support group etc. I was so very hopeful as you seemed eager and willing to do it all and was feeling like I was actually worth it to you. You haven’t done any of it. You lied to me again or maybe you had no intentions of doing it in the first place. Was I just a distraction for the holidays? How can you say you want a future with me but not follow through on your promises?

I do not deserve any of this. And for you to give me the silent treatment is not ok. I have always treated you with the utmost respect. This is not ok. I am hurting so badly and you could not care any less. You must think I’m a complete idiot and worthless. I’ve seen you treat strangers with more respect and courtesy than you are treating me. We’ve been together for a year and half and I feel less important now than I did when we first started dating. Where is that effort? Am I just a smoke screen to provide the illusion of a normal and straight and narrow life because you can’t and won’t share what is going on with your friends?

I am nothing to you. Never was and never will be. You have made me feel that I was just a disposable toy for entertainment for you. I’m so angry and disappointed with myself for letting you hurt me so badly. How does someone heal after this? You have shown that you care nothing about me and how you being with a stripper/prostitute has hurt the very core of my being, yet I was willing to move forward. But you could not be there to support me through it and reassure me- and it’s not a one time thing, it needs to happen every single day. Do you have any idea what this has done to my self-esteem and self worth? I have supported you through a lot this past year and half and you could not be there for me for something you did to me. That is a reality that is more than unbearable to deal with as I sit here crying and hyperventilating typing this. I was there for you and supported you through your emergency room visits, offices changes, your lawsuits, even with this sex addiction/compulsion issue I’ve been here for you and never once did I ask for anything in return other than to be honest and loyal. I do not sleep around and I take the commitment that I made to you very seriously.

I’m sorry that I’m just not worth it and never will be for you.”

November 16th 2012

“Other than when I was abused as a child, I have never felt so disgusted or humiliated in my life. And it won’t happen again. I trusted you, but I should have known better. I should have ran when I learned about your lawsuits. I’ve reflected a lot and so many things make sense now. I wish I was able to see it when it was happening. But I tend to be overly critical and wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, my mistake, And yes, I know now about you calling ex girlfriend and asking her for sex. And the others too. How desperate were you? You have a serious problem.

No person who is even somewhat right with themselves would have a profile on adultfriendfinder, and certainly placing your professional picture up on said profile is creating career suicide. It gets indexed with search engines. With that being said, did you know that everytime you went into a chat room it logged it and is on google? You have a serious problem.

And here’s something else- you are a FATHER!!! Did you forget that??!! I’m done with you and am erasing any connections to you. They can’t. They are stuck with you for the rest of their lives. Do you want them to have a father like you did? Get yourself together!!! Go to rehab!! This is a sickness and it will escalate. Do you want to go to jail? Because it’s a slippery slope once the current mode of fix isn’t working anymore.

YOU OWE IT TO YOUR CHILDREN TO FIX THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You do not have the luxury of waiting. You need to do it now. And if you think those kids haven’t seen anything you are only fooling yourself.

Sex Addiction has affected you Legally, Professionally, Financially and Relationship wise. What’s it going to take for you to see you need serious help?

I am grateful for my intuition. I have a lot of damage control because of your problems. I did nothing to deserve this and will take no blame for this. I deserve better. This is YOUR issue and yours alone. No one but you can fix this. But I do hope with all my heart that you do fix it for your children. They are such wonderful children and deserve the best. They deserve a functional father who demonstrates the proper way to treat women. As of right now, you are not that person. You are not a bad person, but you are making some horrible decisions that affect so many people.

You are a SEX ADDICT. This is a 3-5 year recovery process at least and that is with hard work. FIX yourself before you spiral further out of control!

I’ve said my peace. I don’t want to hear from you. I will only contact you again if I find that after I go to my doctor to get testing that there is an issue. God help you if that is the case.”

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