Committed people

LOVED this….

Wives of Sex Addicts Therapy blog

“1. Committed people are generally happy.  I have never met an unhappy Fred.  I’ve met some who felt under-appreciated, taken for granted, or frustrated, but it strikes me that overall, people who embrace these ideas and do business the Fred the Postman are a happy group of people.

“…Not everything we must do each day–at home or at work–makes us happy.  In those cases we need to remember that how we choose to do anything has a significant influence on the emotions we experience.   Doing an unpleasant task cheerfully trumps doing a pleasant  task begrudgingly.

“2. Committed people are clear about what they do and why they do it.  A. W. Tozer said, ‘It is not what a man does that determines whether his work is sacred or secular, it is why he does it.’  In other motives matter.

“What you do to make a difference is important, but so…

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Wives of Sex Addicts Therapy blog

 Sex Addiction Recovery:
by Thomas Olschner, Ph.D., The Intimacy Center, Westminster, Colorado

The first step: you call for help. You may be in one of the most painful crises of your life. Or you might be calling because your wife thinks you have a problem…and you’re not at all sure that you do. Whatever circumstances led you here, you are wanting to figure out your sexual behavior and what you can do about it.

This article is designed to give you some information about what lies ahead for you. At The Intimacy Center we believe that each person’s journey is a unique one but that the commonalities among our journeys make us a resource for each other. With a willingness to be honest with yourself and others you can deepen your understanding of what has gone wrong in your life and gain tools to improve it.

How Do I…

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Affects of Sex Addiction on Children

Not only do I love him, but I love his children.

I grew up in an extremely unhealthy household. I was sexual molested as a young child by a relative from about the age of 5 to 8. I remember the sexual energy in the house being very unstable. It took me many years as a young adult to deal with it and get past it. I was never unfortunately ever able to confront my molester and never told anyone until I was much older. I remember telling him about it during one of our very intense conversations and he got very angry that I had to go through something like that.

His problem scares me to death. Not only for him, but his young daughters. They use his computer. They use his iPad. They use his iPhone. If I’ve seen things, I know they’ve seen things as they were always on it and they were unsupervised.

“The impact on children is also devastating. A premature exposure to pornography and especially to deviant sex can influence a child’s healthy love and sexual development. A home in which the possibility for access and exposure to sexual sites creates a sexual energy that permeates the house and will effect the child’s psycho/sexual development.

Also, the child may get involved in parental conflicts, may be emotionally and sometimes physically neglected and the child may have to endure the intense feelings associated with feelings about parental divorce. Children of sex addicts often become addicts themselves.”

When I first found out about his behavior I was devastated that I didn’t see what was happening. Why couldn’t I see the monster inside him, especially having experienced the abuse I did when I was a child? I was afraid for his children and talked to a friend of mine who asked me why I hadn’t talked to his ex-wife about it yet. She was right! I love these girls and I was the only one who knew what was going on. Could I live with myself knowing god forbid if they were to see or experience something they shouldn’t? So I did. It was a very uncomfortable conversation but part of me thinks she knew about his behavior. He was livid that I told her.

When we got back together for the last time just before Christmas I found out the gift he was getting them- they were both getting their own Kindle’s. I think I knew then that he would never be in recovery. I saw it as a way to keep his children off of his electronics so they didn’t see what he was doing. And it seems the cycle of addiction will most likely perpetuate with them.

So even after I broke up with him, I tried. I tried every angle to appeal to him to address the behavior. I researched and sent information from the affects on his children to other family members to his career. I can honestly walk away from this now knowing that I did everything I humanly could. I will have no regrets that I didn’t try because no one could have tried harder.


Control Key on Computer KeyboardI’m in a very emotional place tonight. Not only did I watch “Shame”, an extremely graphic and emotional movie about a sex addict but I was expecting finality with him as well.

He had a few things of his that had been stored at my house for a year now that he had not picked up from the last time we broke up. I’m putting my house on the market (another emotional decision for a few reasons) and I saw he had not taken a bicycle and an expensive ladder along with a few other things that were still in my barn.

I should never have asked him and just thrown them out. I text him to confirm that they were his and if he wanted them. He said he did. I text him that I’d like him to pick up his things asap and he said ok. I asked him to let me know when he’d be by and I received no answer. I sent another text a couple days later, and again no answer. I sent another msg and received “I don’t know. Maybe this weekend.”

Me: “Why don’t you know? There’s no need to drag this out.”

Him: “Because I’m busy this weekend.

Me: ” You have until Sunday night.”

Him: “Or what?”

(now I got pissy)

Me: “Look. Take an hour out of your nostringsattached searches and pick it up. I’m sure she will understand”.

(I know, it was terrible to say but that was how I felt. Then I felt bad and send a followup…)

Me: “Its best this way. Please give me a 2 hour notice when you will be by.”

Me: “I understand all this is a control issue for you. But you have to understand that I need to move on and heal”

Him: “I understand.”

Me: “Then be the kind and compassionate 41 year old that I fell in love with and not drag this on further hurting me.”

Early this afternoon he sent me a txt telling me he’d be by around 8pm. Ok. Great. Finality. But…. I got another txt an hour before he said he’d be here saying… “I can’t come get that stuff tonight. Sorry. Tomorrow?”

I’m tired of this shit. This goes to show yet again that I made the right decision. His word is garbage. It means shit. He will never be able to keep his word. He will never get better.

I’m angry. I’m frustrated. He did this the last time we broke up too. When I asked him why- he actually told me it was because he wasn’t “ready to let me go”.

This is fucking manipulative and controlling bullshit.

I told him “no”.


I love him, but he cannot be in my life.

He is on a path to self destruction and I won’t subject myself to it.

His sex addiction may control him, but I will not allow it to control me.

Signs and CoAddictions

sharma-obesity-addiction-typesIn reading various articles I’ve learned that addictions tend to have a co-addiction. That often times one addiction, the less shameful or more societally acceptable one, is dealt with but the other addiction runs rampant and is not being corrected. ie a person enters drug rehab and ends up having multiple sex partners and then relapses due to the shame cycle.

I’ve also read about process addictions or behavioral addictions. Those include; gambling, over-eating, over shopping and spending, and sex addiction.

ding. ding. fucking ding.

He told me while he was married he had a gambling problem. He often over ate and would feel sick afterward. Shopping? I’ve never seen a man shop so much. And of course, the sex addiction that I discovered.

Process addictions.
He had them. He has many of them.
I was blind to see them.
I was a fucking fool.

Sentiment of the Day- Avoidance and Attachment

From Ruthless Compasion Institute…

Spoke to me in so many ways.

“Two great sources of our unhappiness are avoidance & attachment. I’ve spoken before about avoidance, so today, I’ll talk about attachment. While I don’t think it’s easy to let go, being able to do so in a variety of circumstances will dramatically improve our existence. I life, we have no control over anything, but we do have choice. When things happen that we don’t want to happen, or when things we want to happen don’t happen, we feel sadness, anger, hurt, frustration. We can do everything we can to try to make things go our way but when what we want is impossible, then we need to let go, or make our suffering worse. In our relationships, we don’t always feel the same way as the other person. Sometimes the other person loves us more than we love them; sometimes we love them & they don’t feel the same way we do. In these situations, letting go is enormously freeing. Instead of holding on & trying to make the other person love us or trying to force ourselves to love the other person, we can just let go, & be open to something else; something that might work out better for both people. When someone has hurt or disappointed us; when we’ve tried to talk to them about our needs & feelings & they’re not amenable to hearing about them, then being able to let go is life-saving. We don’t have to mope around, hoping & wishing for things to change or get angry, trying to force our hand. We can let go, knowing that things won’t always go our way & that this isn’t a sign about our failings or inadequacies. To let go when we’re disappointed in love is one of the best uses of letting go as it will spare us a good deal of pain & suffering; it will allow us to maintain an intact sense of self & it will enable us to open our hearts to someone else, sooner rather than later.”