Cinco de Mayo

There are a few close friends that I don’t get to see very often. Between their schedule with kids and mine, it’s sometime impossible to line up schedules to coordinate. Today was not one of those days- I actually was able to spend most of the day with one of my good friends.

We had a wonderful day and went out for drinks to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. It was lovely to catch up on the kids, work and everything in between. And then she asked me the question… if I’ve talked to him. We had avoided conservation of my dating life all day and I know she was not trying to be hurtful, but it ended up being that way. It sucks as I really haven’t thought much about him lately and was taken a bit off guard. Five months later and it still hurts to talk about him.

Had I been a big drinker I probably would have gotten trashed. But I’m not. So I drown my sorrows in weepy British movies based on literary classics. What a sentimental dork I am. LOL, love Austen and Bronte.

It’s not that he made a mistake that still bothers me, it’s the fact that he betrayed me so terribly and then continued to lie about it. But I believe everything has a reason for happening. I just got a bit stronger from it and further enforced my boundaries of what I won’t accept.  Some women may have chosen to look the other way and pretend it wasn’t happening, but I have more self-respect for myself than that. I will never accept being treated in such a fashion. He never deserved me.

 

Advertisements

Reality

The reality of it is that he will never be remorseful. He never apologized for what he did. He has no concept of how much he hurt me, nor does he seem to care. It is amazing to me that one can just walk away from a connection without hesitation.  It is amazing to me that an addiction can cause a person to hurt another so deeply. What happened to our society? Or has it always been this way and I’ve been too naïve and idealistic? Reality.

The Never Ending Nightmare

I am going to lose my shit. I am livid and hurt all over again for having trusted him so fucking blindly with everything.

He is a lawyer. Last year I had an issue with my oil company where oil was spilled in my basement due to faulty equipment (which they replaced no charge) BUT they were charging me for the clean-up. He told me he would handle it as it was their fault and they were responsible. I had gotten a few calls from them and he ended up sending them a letter that he was my ‘counsel’. Supposedly he took care of everything and spoke with various supervisors. I trusted him and never thought to question exactly how he ‘took care of it’. Trusting him is coming back to bite me in the ass yet again. I’m getting angry at myself all over again facing the fact that I was never important to him and was just another woman he used until he got bored and had better options.

I came home today to a collection notice from a firm that the oil company is using. OMFG!

If he treated me and this issue like all his other cases, it’s no wonder he is getting sued. WTF!!! And I hate that I have to fucking contact him!! My blood is boiling. Not only has he messed with my physical and mental well-being with his sexual compulsions, now he is fucking with my credit and my finances. I had just gotten to the point where I didn’t cry all the time and was actually functioning normally. This is the fucking never ending nightmare.

 

The Changes 2013 Brought In

eek! The dreaded number 13! It’s 2013!

I’ve never really been one to believe in superstition. I believe that you bring your own luck to the table and while many things are out of your control, there are decisions along the way that we make that affect that outcome.

2013 has been quite the year already and is poised to continue bringing huge change in my life. I am not one to shun change- I actually like change. But too much change at once can be a bit… well- it’s anxiety provoking. With the revelations and decisions I’ve made stemming from the relationship I had with my ex, I’ve been focusing a lot on myself, reacquainting me with who I am and what my goals are and reestablishing boundaries that were shattered. It’s not that I didn’t intend to achieve them- I just put them on the backburner to concentrate on him and his issues (2 job changes, 2 lawsuits, health issues, sexual compulsivity issues etc). Now that we’ve gone our separate ways I had no more excuses.

2013 is going to be MY year!

Today was a huge change- a new job. I had been at my previous job for a very long time; to the point where it became a bit stagnant but it was just so comfortable. I knew the job and did it well, made a good salary and had an amazing boss who valued a balanced life which afforded me incredible flexibility. The reality was however, that I needed to find a new job. And I did- although it took a lot of searching and time. It is amazing to have found another incredible company to work for that has impeccable morals and ethics, is going to propel my career and offer me new challenges, provide new opportunity, and oh- is going to have great benefits.

Here’s to 2013 being a lucky year!

I’m an INFJ

Since all of this unwelcomed drama, I’ve been concentrating on myself and my family and coming to terms with the loss of the relationship that really had so much potential.

I was reminded today of my personality type. I am on the hunt for a new position and was contacted by a headhunter the other day. They found my resume on the internet and contacted me for an awesome position they thought I’d be perfect for. Talk about a serious, and well timed ego boost! These headhunting agencies are notorious for using personality testing and I tested the same as I did years ago- I’m an INFJ. According to the Myers-Briggs scale I am a rarity, or at least my personality type is. I’m an enigma.

So I looked into it more and found an article that I should seriously give to anyone I date as it’s written out better than I could ever verbalize it (http://littleleftofnormal.blogspot.com/2010/08/how-to-love-your-infj.html)…

Proper Care of Your INFJ if you are in a romantic relationship

1. Your INFJ adores you more than they can express with words. Even if they don’t tell you verbally, they will show you how they feel through their patience, kindness, and willingness to please you.

2. Thank your INFJ with sincere hugs and kisses, and tell us you appreciate the things that we do for you. Just knowing that you’re aware of it is reward enough to keep us
overjoyed (and enthusiastically continuing to do all the things you love that we do for you).

3. If an INFJ is in a romantic relationship with you, they consider you their number one priority in life. Your happiness and well being are the most important things in their lives.

4. Your INFJ can sense your emotions even more acutely than if you were telling us with words. We can feel what you are feeling. Don’t be alarmed by this as we will never use it against
you. However, this means you can never lie to us. If you try, we will know, it will hurt our feelings badly that you did.

5. We love it when you just walk up to us and hold us. No words. Nothing complicated. Just gently wrap your arms around us and focus on how you feel about us. We can feel it like it is
pouring out of you and into us. Don’t be alarmed if we cry when you do this.

6. We love to listen. Don’t be afraid to tell us what is on your mind, even if we didn’t ask. We love you and respect your privacy, and don’t like to pry.

7. We also love it when you listen to us. Please ask us questions to show us that you care, and let us talk when you do. The more intently you are interested in how we feel and what we have to say, the more we will love you.

8. Sometimes we need to recharge our minds, and will sit and stare blankly into space. This is perfectly normal, as your INFJ is rebooting their amazing mind. Systems will be online again shortly.

9. We thrive in an environment with just you, and a few of our closest loved ones. The more opportunities you help us create for these kinds of environments, the
happier we will be.

10. We don’t do well in crowds for extended periods. We will join you in them if that’s where you want to go, but please be mindful of the duration of contact. INFJs may become unresponsive and even irritable when exposed to crowds for too long.

11. While we are extremely affectionate with you, we’re generally not interested in being affectionate with anyone else, and physical contact with strangers may unsettle your INFJ. It is
best to keep strangers from attempting to pet your INFJ.

12. Your INFJ accepts you for everything you are. However, INFJs can be especially eccentric. If you accept your INFJ’s eccentricities and peculiar interests, this will
greatly increase your INFJ’s happiness.

13. INFJs are otherwise very self sufficient low maintenance pets, and can be left to their own little worlds for extended periods. However, frequent moments of affection are always
appreciated.

14. Always kiss your INFJ goodnight and tell them that you love them, even if you’re not going to sleep when they do.

15. Always cuddle with your INFJ when they wake up and greet their day with love.

16. Your INFJ will have a reflex to help others. Do not be alarmed by this, as it does not in any way reflect on how your INFJ feels about you, or your relationship. It is simply our nature to help others – sometimes to a degree that makes the ones we love assume they are less of a priority. Nothing could be further from the truth.

17. Your INFJ is a planner. Sometimes spontaneity leaves us in a position that we cannot plan how to best make you happy, and we find this upsetting. Please understand that we are never upset with you, only the situation.

18. Your INFJ is very idealistic and principled. If you need us to go against our ideals or principles to make you happy, this can cause us a great deal of internal turmoil and tension. Please be mindful of our ideals and principles and avoid asking us to go against them.

19. When an INFJ’s ideals or principles are offended, we will pull away quickly. This may look very similar to our normal modes of being lost in our heads to the untrained eye, as we do not like to cause tension or disharmony. To best care for your INFJ, learn to spot this reaction and quickly make right whatever was wrong, even if it is simply an opinion. This will bring
us back to the harmony we need to be our healthiest.

20. No one will ever love you as much as your INFJ.

The Pareto principle- 80/20 Rule

I was having a conversation with a friend earlier and relationships always come up with this friend as our conversations tend to be more reflective. We started talking about the 80/20 rule and fidelity. Here is an article on it…

http://travismagazine.wordpress.com/2009/02/10/why-we-cheat-the-8020-rule/

‘More than 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce these days. That’s outlandish and just sad. A main element of the divorce rate is cheating. Here’s a pragmatic reason why. And why most of the time it’s sexual.

Relationships are tricky buggers. It is easy at first with all the excitement of the chase, the mystery surrounding your love interest and the escalating sexual tensions. But after a couple of weeks, months or years you might find that your relationship has stage dived and you begin to question if the end-all cliché applies: Are they the one? But before your eyes wander too much, think about the 80/20 Rule and see if your relationship is measuring up.

The 80/20 Rule is simple. In a healthy relationship, you get about 80 per cent of what you need/want from your partner. They are caring, respectful and share a lot of the same interests as you, but then you meet someone who catches your attention for an unknown reason. It may well be because they fulfill the missing 20 per cent in your relationship – namely the sexual component. Because that 20 per cent has been missing for so long, you quickly conclude, “Hey, this person has everything I am looking for in a partner.” This can be a relationship killer. Since you jump genitals-first for this new interest, you may have given up your 80 per cent loving partner for a 20 per cent fling. The regret automatically sets in.

During the good times in a loving relationship, the other 20 per cent doesn’t really matter because you don’t notice it missing. You are content and fulfilled with your partner. Your 80 per cent feels like 100 per cent. When you are in an argument, however, because your partner is too messy or something petty, then the 20 per cent is tossed into the limelight.

This isn’t to say that you should stick with the current, thankless partner. You might only be getting the 20 per cent in the relationship, anyway. In this case, if you are truly miserable, maybe you should shop around. The point is to look at your relationship and really question if something substantial is missing. If this is the case and you feel unsatisfied, then move on and find someone who can offer you more. Remember, a key element to any relationship is honesty – not just to your partner, but yourself.

The 80/20 Rule explains some of the mysteries of relationships. It makes sense why cheaters go after the 20 per cent while trying to hold on to the other 80 per cent. The relationship crush (when you are in a loving relationship but have a crush on the local barista) often manifests because you see the other 20 per cent in the crush. And even the “players,” who jump from one 20 per cent adventure to another in a vain attempt to eventually equal 100.

If your relationship is going through a rough patch, think about the 80/20 Rule. Before switching partners, be careful since you might be giving up more than you think. First look at what you have instead of focusing on what is missing. Just remember, don’t throw away a good thing for a piece of new ass. We don’t need the divorce rate to inflate anymore.”

Too bad more of the SA’s don’t reflect more on this before acting out in a compulsive manner.

Forgiveness

Saw this on twitter this morning and it is right on the mark…

 

“Can you ever forgive the betrayal by a sex addict partner?  The addict has led a double life and lied to your face.  The relationship you have with a spouse or partner is supposed to be the primary relationship in your life, your primary loyalty.   The addict has done violence to the bond you held sacred.

In the long run, forgiveness will mean coming to a point of inner acceptance.  This is akin to a state of grace in which we find ourselves finally freed from our resentment, anger and pain.  But what happens to couples in the meanwhile as they grapple with the crisis?

 

Trust

Often we hear this issue talked about in terms of “regaining trust”.   That makes it sound like the process of forgiveness depends on what the addict does or doesn’t do to change his ways.  But the process of forgiveness really has nothing to do with whether the addict can convince us that he is trustworthy now.

Trust has primarily to do with being sure that we will be safe from being betrayed again.  Forgiveness is an internal change in the person who has been harmed, regardless of what the other person does or doesn’t do.  We can forgive without trusting and we can trust without forgiving. I have discussed how addicts can rebuild trust in a prior post.

Reconciliation

For the recovering couple the first stage in rebuilding the bond may be one of reconciliation.  I mean this in the sense that it is used in the literature on reconciliation between nations or ethnic groups after the end of a violent period in their history.  Here we do not accept that the harm was in any way justified or understandable but we make a choice to relate in a different way to the other person or group.  We decide to let go of our adversarial stance and adopt a policy of communication and cooperation. We choose to stop being enemies.

Acceptance

Another part of the whole process of coming to terms with a serious harm is that of understanding and accepting what has happened.  This can be a step on the way to inner acceptance.

Understanding that sex addiction is akin to a brain disease, that it is a true addiction and that it has nothing to do with any failing in the spouse or partner; these can help the partner see the betrayal in a different light.  It is merely a problem, one that relates to neurobiology and early attachment issues.  We may be able to say “there but for the grace of God go I”.  We can love the good parts of the partner in spite of the way their problems have harmed us and harmed the relationship.

But acceptance does not imply that we are at peace with what has happened.  We may still feel guarded and distanced. “So I understand it but I’m still miserable” is sometimes the feeling.

Forgiveness and unconditional love

It is very important to distinguish between unconditional love and unconditional commitment. We can love unconditionally but that doesn’t mean we are committed to sticking around no matter what.  Having our own boundaries about what we require to be happy will allow us to feel protected.  We don’t need to trust someone else to never mess up.  We only need to know that we can take care of ourselves if it happens.

True forgiveness is an internal process of acceptance.  For myself I find that the key is accepting that I have been hurt.  My resentment and anger may continue so long as I am fighting that simple fact.  Someone can hurt me, especially someone I love.  The relationship may be harmed in the process and it may never be the way it was.  This is a loss that has to be grieved and accepted.  On the other hand the process of recovery and coming to a deeper level of mutual understanding and forgiveness my lead to a much healthier, happier and more serene life.  Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource